Excuse Me While I Yell

Well, It's a fact. I'm bitter. I've spent my entire life being an optimistic, glass half full person. Yet within 5 months, I've become a bitter, partly unhappy person. I can't be happy about the little things anymore because they hurt when they end. I know someday things will be alright, but I'm apathetical at this point. I'm bitter over Rachel, her parents, my summer, my senior year, but mainly I'm bitter at myself for the mistakes I've made. No matter how hard I try or believe that I've forgiven myself, I haven't. I haven't found that place yet. I'm searching for it desperately, but it's hidden. All I can really muster is prayers to God, begging for his help and some rest and that he will give me the strength to get through it, because it's a fight. A real hard fight. Once I'm going, I have to put on this fake, life is great face and usually the happier I look in fact the more beat down I am. I can't just be depressed anymore, it's looked down on a lot of the time as annoying or sinful almost. that somehow you aren't trusting God or you've deserved pain or that because you are saved, you can't be depressed. It's hard at school, it's toughest at church. I'm thankful for friends but because they aren't in this pain with me, I still tend to feel alone. I really believe in myself most days, but sometimes I have no faith in myself. Thankfully, I'll see deliverance at some point. =)

Scars...

It’s not completely true when they say hindsight is 20/20 or at least it’s misleading. We don’t always suddenly see how our actions have manifested consequences afterward. Sometimes we see something completely off from the truth. Usually though, down the road, we see the cold hard facts. The bible says that we look through a glass, darkly. Or in other words, our perception of reality is warped. Very true. Sometimes we have the best laid plans, with the best of intentions and all the skills needed to follow through and sometimes those plans just… go astray. You don’t mean for them to, you may not even realize they are, if fact you usually don’t. It begins this slow descent, until eventually either you are in the middle of nowhere, or you may have become the very thing you were against. I feel for most people, the realization at the end is the worst. It certainly has been for me. The realization that all along, you were the enemy, you were the traitor, the monster, the blame has no one to fall on but you., that’s what reaches the deepest, most tender parts of the heart and shatters it from the core. There are always silver linings in life though, and here is no different. If you can stop yourself from laying there broken and bitter, you’ll see that the experience draws you to God. He will humble you greatly, and then shelter you. That scar on your heart is a reminder so that you’ll never forget what has happened. If you can mentally, physically, and spiritually survive it, you’ll be stronger, wiser and better off than how you began. That scar though can be a testimony to others, as well as a cautionary tale. Remember, through struggle, opportunity blossoms.

Be Doers!

As a Christian, I live in the greatest time and place, I could possibly hope for. The most impactive Christian known would have to be Paul of Taurus. He went from persecuting Christians to spreading the faith further than any single man has since. He did all of this without bibles, transportation, communication, protection and so on. It was dangerous to be a Christian! So dangerous, he was beheaded! Jump ahead 2000 years and here I am. I live in a country that allows me to practice AND share my faith, I have cars, planes, trains and boats. I have phones, paper\pens, computers, TV, radios, books AND the bible. I am given this HUGE opportunity! Look at social networks like Facebook, MySpace and Twitter. I am connected to THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of people. If me and a few others, put our minds to it and have that Fire in our hearts like Paul had, we can literally change the world. Forget Obama and change and hope. You want to be heard and make a difference? Campaign Christ. You want change? Bring it about with faith and witnessing and testimony! You want hope? Look to Christ! Help others see that hope too! Look around and figure out who around you, you aren’t sure is saved. Do you want to be partly responsible for their home in hell? Think about it.

Easier Said Than Done

You know, for me personally, the hardest part of life is letting go. I want to control every aspect of my life down to the smallest detail. I worry and fret and stress the minute I lose control of the smallest part in my life, but I’m trying to let go. In my faith, Jesus says

“Those who hold onto their lives will surely lose it.”

That seems surprisingly true. The times I hold on to everything, I seem to lose all of it. Maybe you that I’m just bad at managing my life, but when I let go it’s totally different. I say to God that if he will strip all of the unnecessary things from my life and just leave me with that which draws me toward him, then it’s for the best. He does that and it’s crazy I end up with so much more that way, plus less stress and worries. I just have to keep reminding myself of the fact he all for our good (Romans 8:28). That he isn’t going to slight us. Even at times when it seems horrible, I just have to step back and see that maybe one day God will show me how everything truly was both for mine and his benefit. The smartest thing I can do in my life is lay everything down, pick up my cross, and follow him. He will take care of the rest. Truthfully, there is nothing better than that to me.

I suggest everyone listens to Tenth Avenue North's "Let it Go" at least once:

I've been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They've gone white
I'm fighting for who I wanna be
I'm just trying to find security

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go.

Well it's hard enough to hear 
Harder still, to move beyond this fear
We know there's nothing I can bring,
So tell me what do you want from me?

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go

What do I love?
What do I hate?
What will I lose? 
What will I gain?
How do I save my soul?
What if I bend?
What if I break?
What will it cost?
What will it take?
For you to save my soul.

You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul

You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go

Wisdom Minus Intelligence

You know, Forrest Gump had it right or at least his momma did when she said

“Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know whatcha gonna get.”

Even better, life can be like an individual chocolate. One day you think you are doing something ordinary only to find out that what you are doing is something so much greater of importance. Other times, you’ll work your tail off only to be disappointed. Like a chocolate in which you are hoping to find a nice cherry filling but instead are let down when you bite down only to find an almond. So many things in life are in disguise: demons, blessings, hopes, dreams, destiny, luck, emotions. They say the only thing you can be certain of in this life is Death and Taxes. Before long, I won’t be so sure. I’d say that you’d be better off with saying that the only thing you can be certain of in this life is that you can’t be certain. Assumptions and expectations are as dangerous as plutonium, you chance with it and it may not end well. I personally prefer to roll with the tide and see where God takes me in this bouncing blue marble. After all who knows what might happen?