Excuse Me While I Yell

Well, It's a fact. I'm bitter. I've spent my entire life being an optimistic, glass half full person. Yet within 5 months, I've become a bitter, partly unhappy person. I can't be happy about the little things anymore because they hurt when they end. I know someday things will be alright, but I'm apathetical at this point. I'm bitter over Rachel, her parents, my summer, my senior year, but mainly I'm bitter at myself for the mistakes I've made. No matter how hard I try or believe that I've forgiven myself, I haven't. I haven't found that place yet. I'm searching for it desperately, but it's hidden. All I can really muster is prayers to God, begging for his help and some rest and that he will give me the strength to get through it, because it's a fight. A real hard fight. Once I'm going, I have to put on this fake, life is great face and usually the happier I look in fact the more beat down I am. I can't just be depressed anymore, it's looked down on a lot of the time as annoying or sinful almost. that somehow you aren't trusting God or you've deserved pain or that because you are saved, you can't be depressed. It's hard at school, it's toughest at church. I'm thankful for friends but because they aren't in this pain with me, I still tend to feel alone. I really believe in myself most days, but sometimes I have no faith in myself. Thankfully, I'll see deliverance at some point. =)