Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Excuse Me While I Yell

Well, It's a fact. I'm bitter. I've spent my entire life being an optimistic, glass half full person. Yet within 5 months, I've become a bitter, partly unhappy person. I can't be happy about the little things anymore because they hurt when they end. I know someday things will be alright, but I'm apathetical at this point. I'm bitter over Rachel, her parents, my summer, my senior year, but mainly I'm bitter at myself for the mistakes I've made. No matter how hard I try or believe that I've forgiven myself, I haven't. I haven't found that place yet. I'm searching for it desperately, but it's hidden. All I can really muster is prayers to God, begging for his help and some rest and that he will give me the strength to get through it, because it's a fight. A real hard fight. Once I'm going, I have to put on this fake, life is great face and usually the happier I look in fact the more beat down I am. I can't just be depressed anymore, it's looked down on a lot of the time as annoying or sinful almost. that somehow you aren't trusting God or you've deserved pain or that because you are saved, you can't be depressed. It's hard at school, it's toughest at church. I'm thankful for friends but because they aren't in this pain with me, I still tend to feel alone. I really believe in myself most days, but sometimes I have no faith in myself. Thankfully, I'll see deliverance at some point. =)


Patrina said...

I see a differnt young man in this post than all the posts in december. Proof of your spiritual transformation. This is real - but it isn't faith. It's walking in the flesh instead of faith. But you know that by now. I'm old :) and I've been a christian all my life - and I still have episodes just like this. But the Holy Spirit gets a hold of me and I can't stay this way very long. My spirit just won't allow it.

I just wanted you to know, that God still loves you and believes in you, even when you don't. Hnag in there! This and moments like them will pass.


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